Yearning & coping
Moving out and away, adaptation phase, dreaming of feeling at home and building community, at last.
I had completely forgotten how time-consuming and exhausting it is to move. Having to adapt to your new environment, not feeling fully at home or having any sense of belonging yet, because everything is foreign and new to you. Feeling dazed and out of place.
Moving is a hell of a hectic process to go through. I am slowing settling myself in as well as enjoying the last week I have before officially starting my new position in my new home city. In the meantime, I had a lot of time to ruminate on my feelings about making myself home and the whirlwind process that it takes.
Longing for home
I was feeling so excited to finally move out of my parents’ place, after a year back at theirs. Despite this hellish economy, I sincerely thought I would be back for a couple of weeks. My optimism caught me up quickly and a year later here I am finally moving out. I vividly remember moving back to my parents’, December 1st, 2022. They live in the countryside, on a cute farm they fully renovated themselves when I was still a child. I left my parents’ cocoon at the ripe age of 24 so understand my shock and confusion when I moved back at 28 and felt out of place? Living abroad meant I was not around a lot, but when I was, visits stretched to maximum 2 weeks on and off as I would go see friends and stay at theirs as well.
Ever since I left the family home, my initial bedroom became my little brother’s, meaning when I moved back in, he was still utilising his room and because there weren’t any rooms left, I occupied a corner of the mezzanine they had transformed into a little nook with a very comfortable sofa-bed for visiting guests. Needless to say, privacy became a distant pleasure. Everything felt disorienting because I had associated that nook with my occasional visits and was quite aloof to the lack of having a proper space for myself as I already had that back home… The home I was paying rent to and had become familiar and fond of. I loved that nook, yet, having to make it my room for 9 months straight got me to despise it and I realised the lack of privacy was, in fact, a major issue. Not feeling comfortable in what used to be my home was a very disturbing sentiment, even when my little brother moved and handed me my old room back.
All I was thinking about was finding a place to make it my home, therefore I did not bother making my old bedroom, my cocoon again. What was the point of it when I could be moving anytime? I was getting desperate to leave my parents’ house a second time and set out a new life and enjoy the accessibility of living in the city again. I grew up a big part of my life in the countryside, knowing I was a city girl at heart. The countryside was nice to come back to whenever I needed a break from the hustle and bustle of whatever metropolis I was inhabiting. Back in April, I secured a job in a city that is quite international, which is a big plus as I lived in multiple big cities and I have found myself thriving in those environments. I was filled with joy to have been picked for the new role they were filling in, and even more excited to find a new place to finally call home!
Serendipitous start against all odds
I was dreading the flat hunt. I know how exhausting and draining this process can be and at the peak of a housing crisis and being a woman of colour, I was preparing myself to face the hardship once again because I will never forget the struggle it has been for me to find flats to live in, as well as listening first-hand experiences from family and friends about their dire housing quests. The situation has only got worse year after year. That said, I might have had some lovely angels with me this time, because I scored the first flat I viewed, the one I was wishing for. The first contact with my now flatmate was an instant hit, the vibes were vibing and luckily it was mutual. Upon my visit, I could truly see myself building a new home in that new space. It is well situated, close to my work and super lively at all times. Cars and buses pass by, people talk, yell drunkenly even, it is white noise to my ears and I love it. It indeed feels good to be back in the city.
It took me paying the first rent to fully compute I was finally living in a new place. I am still in the process of settling in and making my room my little sanctuary. I don’t want to rush it because I believe that taking your time to make your new place, your new cocoon is very important as it gives you the time to truly familiarise yourself with your new environment, and figure out what might be fitting for it. Even more important when you live in a flat share because you come to a place that is already lived in. A place where its current and past occupants have already instilled habits and routines.
You won’t feel at home right away, and that is OK. Things will feel foreign and strange at first. You will constantly question if you are taking too much space or too little. If you are giving enough of yourself or not. The first few weeks in a flat share, you are in a limbo, testing the waters and figuring out the space and energy you have to give. And don’t forget that you also have to learn to live with people you know little about. This is a task on its own. Living with other people, even when they are like-minded, still requires skills. Even as an extrovert and very social being who thrives around people, those first few weeks are intimidating. I am coping with a new environment that I yearn to call home at last. It will take time, and I am OK with that. Rome was not built in a day, my home won’t either.
I miss my parents’ cat, deeply, and it does feel weird not to bump into my parents every day, but I can’t express how grateful I am to have a job I enjoy and a place that is starting to slowly feel like home. Being back in the city is a new opportunity to truly build the community I desire and have been longing for. Not gonna lie, it feels weird to feel good in these times, as our dying empire falls deeper into a bleak implosion, and inevitable disintegration… more than ever, is the time to stick together and find community! Once again, some lovely angels must be rooting for me, deciding I won’t be dealing with the fall of capitalism isolated. Community will save us, always.
Love always,
Ruth Noemi
This hit close to home! I too am moving out my parents house rn and the feeling is so strange!
Congrats on the new flat/new job/new city!!! May this new chapter bring you peace and joy 🙏🏾